This critique I received was actually by a good friend of mine. This is purely a joke. I hope you laugh as much as I did at some of her comments.
I won't post her name, but if she wants to take credit for this awesomely funny crit, then she can post her name and take the glory.
Love's Prophecy
Chapter 1
Friday June 13, 2:15am comment: I think you need to be clearer.. I live a different time zone so to
really paint this for me you should include all the comparable time
zones.. like this for me would be 12:15 am
this is pretty elementary .. why
don’t you know this?
Vancouver, British Columbia,
Canada
From comment: Where the hell is the indentation for
the paragraph? a dark corner table, Mel
studied the crowd of humans while they drank and partied. Their shouts and laughter mingled with AC/DC’s Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap comment: I don’t know this song.. can you hum
this so I can understand the flavor of
this bar! pulsating throughout the dim interior of The Green Tree comment:
When I read this it makes me think of
green tea.. and that is healthy but this is not a healthy place.. Change the
name … ,a seedy nightclub set in the heart of downtown Surrey. Sweat, flowery perfumes, and cigarette smoke,
mixed together to form a nauseating comment:Is Mel
sick? cuz if he is he probably needs green tea…. See this is why you need to
change the name he was probably looking for some tea to make him feel better
and wondered into the wrong place.. Now what the hell is he supposed to do…
sick and in a bar.. I suppose you think it's ok for him to puke and make the
poor waitress clean it up .. bouquet.
Humans were clueless comment: This is so prejudiced… I am offended
.. being human like I am .. this makes
you seem very bigoted... Completely unaware vampires lived amongst them. Unaware one was
amidst them at this moment, watching their every move. If they knew, they'd
trample each other as they stormed to the nearest exit. A dark part of him
wanted to jump up, bare his fangs and shout, “I vant to suck your blood.” He smiled, picturing the scene. Yeah,
too bad he left his Dracula
cape at home comment: This makes your hero seem unprepared
for his job.. you should make sure the hero
projects an image of a man who is
good at his job so he can take good care
of the heroine..
Taking a sip of whiskey, Mel leaned back in his seat. Comment: Why the heck would you allow your hero
to be so reckless.. drinking and leaning back on his chair.. is he some sort of adrenaline junkie..
Hard to imagine there’d been a time when both species had stood
together against the evils in the world. That ended centuries ago, after humans
turned their backs on vampires and listened to the lies spouted by the demons.
Vampires on the other hand, kept their end of the bargain. To this day, they
continued to fight, keeping humans from being wiped off the planet.
Mel fingered comment: Wow is this an erotic novel.. You
really should put a sex warning on this
it really startled me .. I am not sure I
can continue to read this porn .. the remnants of a scar hidden along his hairline, a trophy received
the night before from a demon’s blade. A violent encounter he and his fellow
slayer, Kal, almost lost. Four against two was a tough fight, but they emerged
the victors.
A shapely waitress comment: See now this is the hard working woman
who you want to clean up Mel's puke
because you named the bar wrong..caught Mel’s attention as she retrieved her drink orders at
the bar. She held a loaded tray balanced above her head in one hand. Her full
breasts pushed high, almost spilling from her low cut top. Round hips swayed as
she wove through the crowded tables delivering drinks to the drunk, rowdy
patrons. His groin hardened and pushed against his pants. Buried underneath his
sexual need, a deeper, more primitive hunger
swam to the surface--a thirst comment: Oh yeah hunger and thirst? He is in a
bar don’t they have drinks and snacks? What kind of place is this….no peanuts?
No chips? Totally unbelievable… peanuts in the shell is better some people
don’t wash their hands when they go to the potty..no amount of drink could
quench. comment:I think some DPOV is needed here..
tell me about the flavor and the food he
is hungry for .. Deep primitive hunger..
is that his need to get back to his
roots .. Perhaps food from his home country? Rustic food?
His fangs descended. He glanced away from her lush figure and willed
them back.
Shit. Blood lust mixed
with sexual desire was a hard combo to ignore. Too bad his mind wasn’t as eager
as his body. His canines tried to slip past his lips again and he sighed. Ah
hell, couldn’t fight vampire biology. And judging from the erection that bulged in
his jeans, he couldn’t fight male biology either comment: What are you trying to say here? Is he
gay? Against his better
judgment, Mel's eyes darted back to
the waitress. He groaned when he caught an eyeful of her ample cleavage. His
fangs dropped further. He swore, forcing them to retract. Two against one.
Looked like his baser urges were winning this war.
Mel curled his fingers around his glass and downed the last of his
whiskey, ice and all. Maybe he should just split comment:Is this some sort of thing vampires
have special powers for like twining or cloning.. do they split in two do they become two whole people or is this just
a horror movie thing where there
are just two halves of people in a gory mess? This could be very gross...
you should put a intense gore warning in this too .. Wow you have so much work
to do on this..? He glanced at his
wristwatch. 2:45 a.m. Dawn wasn’t far
off. He scanned the crowd looking for Kal. What the hell was taking him so
long? One more drink and he’d have to hunt him down.
As Mel
crunched the ice comment:See this is so smart he eats the ice
and takes care of both hunger and thirst.. Excellent.. Well done here.., he checked on the
waitress’s progress. Three tables away, she moved with the grace of a dancer,
all the while avoiding groping hands.
She drew closer and peeked at him from under her thick false lashes. An
unmistakable invitation shone in her blue eyes. Her scent, a tangy citrus
aroma, hit his senses and her full lips parted in a smile to reveal even white
teeth. Mel smiled back, careful not to flash his own. comment:
This makes me think Mel is not as confident as a hero should be... he is
ashamed of his dental work.. You should work in that he is seeing a dentist and
a therapist so you can redeem him in my
eyes as a reader..
Maybe he would line-up a little pleasure. And as always,
when it was over he’d wipe himself from her memory. Same drill, different night comment:
Does he practice fire drills in the
bar? This could go either way.. its smart on one hand to be prepared in case of
emergency but you don’t want the drunks in the place to panic..
Yet he couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm. He was sick of
the anonymity of it. He wanted more. Wanted to wake up next to someone, wanted
someone to share his life with. Hell, at the very least he wanted someone to remember him. comment:
I bet if he pulled the fire alarm the cops and the firemen would remember him..
Years ago, he had known the contentment of joining his
life with another. He and his wife had shared a strong emotional tie-- one that
can only be achieved through love. But his insane monster of a father made damn
sure their love and happiness ended in tragedy. comment:
I think you need some of the back
story here.. I bet his dad was really a perv and wanted to get into the pants
of his sons wife.. she was probably a hussy .. winking at her father in law… what
a slut.. this is really a filthy novel ..
vulgar sex, gore, incest..
Sweat beaded his forehead. Memories of his father bubbled up out of
the dark pit in his soul, where he desperately tried to keep them buried.
Something brushed against his hand. Mel
jerked back, muscles tensed as fear sped up his heart. He felt like a jackass
when he realized it was only his cell-phone vibrating. He swallowed his wounded
pride. Told himself his fear was because the phone took him by surprise not
because he had been thinking of his father. He gave up, knowing it for the lie
it was.
The phone bounced again and
skittered across the polished tabletop. With a shaky hand, Mel snatched it before it fell. It buzzed against his
palm and he pushed the side button to check caller ID.
Roarik.
Again Mel
and his fingers.. he is really a sex maniac one ear in an attempt to
block out the throbbing music. “Hey. What’s up?”
A faint muffle was all he heard. Mel
pressed his finger in tighter. “What was that?” This time he made out Roarik’s
deep voice comment:
Is this another of his gay lovers.. I
think if you go for a gay novel you should really have some emotional
attachments to one man on man… you can't just make him a slut.. I know he
probably learned from his wife but have some character arch.. You can't just
make him so one dimensional .. Sex sex sex..
but no distinct words. “I
can’t hear ya. Hold on a sec, I’m going to find some place quieter.” He stood
and moved through the tight press of bodies toward the restrooms. A quick check
made sure it was empty. Satisfied, he brought the phone back to his ear. “Okay,
what’s up?”
Wow a ménage.. is Roarik jealous
here.. do they all have a relationship or
what.. you need some back story ..
?” Roarik asked in his
gruff voice.
“He was hunting demons with me earlier, but he's not
with me now.”
Roarik's barked curse blasted in his ear. “I’m in no
mood, Mel. Where is he?" comment:
Ooo this a good story twist .. is
Roarik attracted to Mel or Kal?
“I think he’s in his truck out back of the club, feeding
and screwing. Why? What’s going on?”
“Typical. Find him and get your asses back to the base.
I’m calling an emergency meeting.”
Mel’s heart slowed to a crawl as unease filtered through his brain.
“All right, but can you at least tell me what’s going on?
Silence filled the line, and then a heavy sigh. “The
prophecy has been found.”
The prophecy? Then it hit him with the intensity of a
lightning bolt. The Vampire Prophecy. Mel cleared his suddenly dry throat. “How? When?”
More sex.really a bar filled with sex
and now a midnight booty call ..
The door banged open. Startled, Mel
spun around.
Kal sauntered in with a big cocky grin. “Hey, I was
lookin' everywhere for ya. Thought maybe you were finally gettin' some action.
Guess not.”
“Kal's here now. We’re on our way.” Mel flipped his phone closed. “Let’s go.” In three
strides, he was across the room.
“Yo, where’s the fire, dude?” Kal asked.
Mel wrenched the door open and the steady beat of the music rushed in.
He turned and stared at Kal. “The prophecy’s been discovered.”
All pretense of teasing vanished from Kal’s face. His dark brows
dropped low over blue eyes which were the same color as the highlights comment:
This is really sexy description from Mel's
pov.. see Mel is really attached to Kal you can really tell.. I wonder what will happen when Roarik finds
out.. o.. you know I started to crit this but I just can't continue I am really
tired and this is such a pornographic
gory ménage mess … I am going to sleep .. if you really
want me to I will continue to crit your crap ooo I mean manuscript tomorrow..
streaked throughout his black
hair. “Are you shittin' me? When did this happen?”
